Guns For Libs

When liberals lose an election, they look into moving to Canada. Well sometimes they whine and block traffic, too, but that’s beside the point. When conservatives lose elections, they buy guns. I’m not going to say what that makes you liberals look like, let’s just say that Trump would like to grab you.

Like Trump, most conservatives don’t have much respect for people without guns. Actually, Trump has no respect for anyone, but that’s a different matter. What matters is that it’s time for lefties to change their tactics.

Which is why it’s time Liberals should start buying guns. They should buy so many guns that they drive the price of those suckers up. They should buy so many guns that conservatives have to pay twice as much for guns. Hell, they should buy so many guns that the conservatives start thinking about selling the guns they have in order to profit off a buyer’s market. Liberals should buy so many guns that the military has to buy their guns from China.

Think of how many guns Barbara Streisand could buy if she put her mind to it. Liberals could have a big concert and give the proceeds to liberals who can’t afford to buy guns. They could give hand guns out to the gunless, the way they give out condoms in high school.

It's time to temporarily take all those books out of the little free library you liberals have in your front yard and stock them full of guns instead. This could be our little liberal secret, a place for liberals in need to access a gun should the occasion arise. And don't worry, neither conservatives nor criminals would ever think to look in one. Just make sure it's high enough off the ground that the kids can't get to it.

How about guns to the homeless? After all, give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, give him a gun and sufficient quantities of ammo, and he’s well on his way to self-sufficiency.

Think about this, as well: the more guns liberals buy, the less money the NRA is going to want spend to back the Republican Party exclusively. Democratic candidates could start out-gun-righting the right, so that all those NRA dollars will start pouring into the secret PACs that attack Republican candidates.

It wouldn’t be hard to do. There are already a ton of people who vote Democrat who own guns. Most of them just don’t fall for the line of the NRA that the Democrats want to take their guns. Hell, most libs aren’t really as scared of guns as they are the people who buy them. If you’ve owned a Samsung tablet a gun is no more of a danger.

The Democrats could use Trayvon Martin as their poster child: “He’d still be alive if he had been carrying a gun instead of Skittles.” Maybe they could do one of those gun trade-ins in the inner city, only in reverse, so instead of you turning in your gun and getting cash for it, maybe they could trade a bag of Skittles for a gun.

How many conservatives would be standing outside a black polling place to see if voters had proper ID if they knew everyone voting was packing more than just a driver’s license? How many voter’s rights would be denied if those doing the denying were aware of the suddenly lax gun laws?

It’s simple, you just have to out-crazy the crazies. That’s what the conservatives have been doing all along: no matter what the liberals were willing to go along with, just ask for more. The liberals just have to turn it into a game of chicken and refuse to lose no matter where the conservatives are willing to take it. Guns for 12 year olds? What’s wrong with 10 year olds? What’s wrong with guns for convicted felons, they’ve done their time, right? This is America, after all. Why have laws about guns at all? Isn’t the 2nd Amendment crystal clear on this? What is there to argue about “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed?”

The simple fact is the Right is never going to respect you until you have guns. Until you do they will think you are sissies unworthy of citizenship. They are sick and tired of having to protect you on a regular basis from all those things that need to be opposed with guns. It’s time to grow a pair, liberals. It’s time to start carrying your own weight and get yourself a gun, so that you can protect yourself rather than being a drain on society. And who knows, if you get good with guns, maybe you can start returning the favor. Maybe you can start protecting conservatives from danger the way they’ve been protecting liberals all this time. Instead of a George Zimmerman patrolling the streets and keeping them safe, maybe we could have an Antwayn and DeAndre packing a pistol and standing at the corner of your street. If that doesn’t make you feel safer I question your true commitment to gun rights.

I’ve noticed that conservatives tend to bond over their guns. They just tend to trust other gun owners, feeling that those who don’t own guns are a little bit strange and untrustworthy. Perhaps if universal gun ownership were to become a reality, the differences between races and religions might not seem so extreme. Maybe all we really need for peace to reign is to make sure every African American and Muslim is carrying his own gun, every tree-hugging vegan hippie packing heat. That way you wouldn’t have to brand the bad ones, you’d just recognize them by their suspicious lack of any firearm. I’d like to think that such a world would be one in which all could join hands as brothers, but of course such a show of solidarity might leave us all a little slow on the draw.