1. Remember how Russia was definitely hacking France’s election and then the whole story was disproven and forgotten once the U.S.’s chosen candidate won? That’s what would have happened here if Hillary would have won.
2. If the history books are written, they will say the 21st Century was home to two of the greatest episodes of mass delusion humanity has ever known: believing that global warming is a hoax and believing that Russian hacking was real. I say “if” history is written, because either of these mass delusions are capable of ending human existence on Earth.
3.You’d think with the sanctions against Russia President Trump signed into law that Putin would have released those pee-tapes by now.
4. The story goes that Vladimir Putin is blackmailing Donald Trump with video of Trump engaged in twisted sex acts with Russian Prostitutes. As if Trump could ever be shamed or his supporters ever love him any less.
5.Try this experiment: Turn on MSNBC, and every time they use the words Russia or Russian, change the words to Jews. This will give you some appreciation of what it was like to live in Nazi Germany.
6. Within the Russian hacking narrative are just enough absurdities to make conservatives believe liberals are out of their minds. I can’t help thinking the Reality Winner and the Pokemon Go stories were added as an inside joke by the deep state. Or more likely, as a means of driving a wedge still further between the two sides in the never ending game of divide and conquer.
7.What do Trump and Hitler have in common? Neither is a puppet of Russia.
8. Their chosen candidate defeated, Democrats have made good on their promise to leave the country and have moved to Fantasy Island, where nothing is ever their fault because Putin did it.
9. I hear Milton-Bradley is coming out with a board game called Clutin. It’s like Clue, where you have to guess the murder weapon and where the crime was committed, but Putin is the only suspect.
10. I won’t believe your allegations until they are corroborated by unnamed sources.
11. Putin: because it was hard to use ISIS as an excuse for our out of control military budget when we’re arming them.
12. BREAKING STORY: Kevin Bacon tied to Russian hacking.
13. American oligarchs are accusing Russian oligarchs of influencing our election. That’s like Al Capone accusing Bugs Moran of muscling in on his turf.
14. I do not blame liberals for hurting after their defeat but I do blame them for their willingness to abandon reason and morality in order to make the pain go away.
15. The day the Washington Post accuses Russia of a crime that has actually been committed—take for example, their shitty reporting—is the day I give them credence.
16. America likes Russians like it likes blacks: self-effacing, stereotyped, stupid, or dead. If we had our choice, Yakov Smirnoff would be Russia’s president. (Perhaps Yakov Smirnoff is not dead, but I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a sighting outside of Branson in twenty years.)
17. If one of your Clinton supporting friends starts going on about Russian hacking, it is best to insert your wallet in their mouth so that they do not bite off their tongue while having their fit.
18. Just to be clear on matters as they now stand: if you look at puppy pictures you are betraying your country. Cat pictures are still okay for the moment. Stay tuned to MSNBC for further updates.
19. The reporting done on the Russian hacking story has led me to a deeper appreciation of the journalistic skills of Hedda Hopper and Rona Barrett.
20. We have reached a point where we trust those secret agencies—that sold weapons to Iran secretly and then used the profits of those weapons sales to import drugs into the inner cities, the profits from those drug sales going to buy weapons for terrorists in Nicaragua—more than we trust the people who exposed their crimes. This is not hyperbole. If anyone wishes to argue the specifics, I’d be more than willing to do so. And this is just one instance of what our intelligence agencies do on a regular basis. And yet so many of us swallow the Russian hacking narrative sold by unnamed sources despite the warnings of the very man who exposed the Iran-Contra story.
21. The presumption, unproven by the way, is that Russia engaged in the same kind of behavior as every other nation in the world. No evidence points beyond that and yet we have Morgan Freeman saying we are at war with Russia. The U.S. tapped Angela Merkel’s phone, and she’s an ally so you know we’re doing way worse to our non-allies. Did German directors make clips saying they were at war with the U.S.?
22. Not a word from Morgan Freeman about paper ballots, not a word about voter ID, not a word about black voters being scrubbed from the voter rolls. Instead, he says “We are at war”. And should we go to war with Russia, should we survive victorious with a habitable planet, will you then say something about gerrymandering, voter suppression, and campaign finance reform, Mr. Freeman? Because you have been silent so far.
23. It seems our propaganda machines have done too good a job. We’ve managed to stage uprisings in other countries while keeping our own populace ignorant and indifferent. Now that our intelligence agencies seek to stir its own citizens for an uprising in our own nation, they find it impossible to rouse us from the torpor they have lulled us into.
24. If you have heard a political idea mentioned so many times you accept it as inarguable fact and yet cannot say who formulated the idea, it is likely the product of some propaganda machine.
25. If two years ago you would have told me the Russians helped Donald Trump become president by using Pokemon Go to influence voters, I would have told you you were crazy. I'd say the same today, but I would have said it two years ago, too.
26. Remember, the President does not have the power to declare war, only Morgan Freeman can do that.
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