Mitch Mcconnell? Seriously, Kentucky, WTF?

Is Kentucky a breeding den of mutant man-goats? I don’t want to pick on a state full of people I hardly know, but it has some explaining to do. Seriously, there must be something fucking wrong with a state that elects Mitch McConnell to the United States Senate. If you could not find a better candidate, then why was The Hills Have Eyes not filmed in your state? Or was it?

I really want to know from someone who lives in the state of Kentucky: does anybody really like this guy? Why? What positive qualities does the man possess? If you’re going to vote in an evil politician—and here I have to admit that every state is guilty of this—couldn’t you at least elect one that doesn’t look like a boiling frog? Couldn’t you choose someone like Nikki Haley, an evil person, sure, but relatively normal to look at, at least?

What’s the matter with you? Do you think the rest of the country likes to see his face pop up on their news feed or TV every fucking day when we wake up? Gollum has a much better profile than Mitch McConnell. Don’t you know that every person who does not live in Kentucky hates you and judges you for this boiling pot of pea soup you call a congressman? We’re talking about kicking you out of the union, maybe selling you off to Mexico or Saudi Arabia.

Please, for fuck’s sake, just get rid of him. It’s common courtesy. It’s like flushing after you take a big dump. Nobody wants to deal with it.

Fuck. It’s like having an asshole roommate. Everyday we wake up and just want to go about our business. We want to take a shower to start the day, but you’ve already been there and clogged the toilet with your stinky McConnell. It’s not a good way for America to begin its workday.

And so far I’ve only pointed out the physical repulsiveness of Mitch McConnell. Because for God’s sake, that should be enough for you Kentuckians to get him out of the public eye. That alone should make you want to not be judged by the man. But as vomit-inducing as MM is in appearance, his inner self is even more vile. He’s like Dorian Grey, you don’t see all the truly nasty parts of him. The man has nothing to offer to anyone except those who are wealthy. He has done nothing but dismantle the social safety net. He is ruining our country. Morally he is toxic. Intellectually he is toxic. Please, in the name of all that is holy, please tell me why you keep sending him back to congress. Please tell me why you are willing to give this guy a paycheck when all he’s doing is enriching himself at your expense.

As much as I have opposed the idea of collective guilt in the past, you leave me no option but to hold every man woman and child of Kentucky responsible until you have removed that toilet-clogger from our sight. Go ahead, elect him to a state position, I don’t give a fuck, just keep him out of the federal government. I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.

I mean, seriously, look at him. I’m not one to pick on a person’s personal appearance, but LOOK AT HIM!!! Is that a face you want framed and hanging on you living room wall? You want a statue with that face standing in your downtown? You want his face on your currency someday? No? Then why do you subject us to that?

Let’s work something out, Kentucky. We’ll talk to Europe and have them end the tariffs on Kentucky bourbon if you ditch Mr. Turkeyneck. They sure the hell would take that trade in a heartbeat. France might be able to stomach Jerry Lewis but even they have their limits. We’ll even talk to California and get them to do an even up ejection of Nancy Pelosi. Who says we can’t find a win-win solution on this? Just no more unholy goat/man nominations, okay? Because if the Saudis buy you up, they're not going to be as subtle in their reactions as I've been.