A Conversation With The Media About Trump

 

 This is a conversation I’ve been having with the media for the last 40 years. See if it makes sense to you:

 1989

Media: This is Donald Trump, isn’t he great?

Me: What makes him great?

Media: He’s rich! That makes him the embodiment of all that is great about America.

Me: How does being rich make him great?

Media: Being rich means you are smart and hard-working. The fact that you do not already know this and aren’t rich means that you stupid. And lazy.

Me: I’ll tell you what: you get Donald Trump to hold onto the back of a garbage truck and throw garbage all day with me and we’ll see who’s the harder worker. Or we can dig ditches. I’ve got the muscles and callouses to show I work hard. I can’t tell how flabby this Trump guy is under that expensive suit.

Media: You’re just jealous because he’s smart and hardworking and has immense wealth.

Me: I just want to know he’s thrown his share of garbage in life and dug his share of ditches. Does he really owe his wealth to hard work and brains or did he inherit it?

Media: Not only is he smart and hardworking, he’s not afraid to take chances.

Me: That sounds rather reckless on his part. If there’s anything I’ve been taught operating heavy machinery is that you need to minimize risk. I know people who’ve broken legs and had body parts ripped off taking chances on the job. And when you take reckless chances, you risk not only your own wellbeing but the safety of others, as well. Play it safe and you never make a mess so big others need to clean it up for you. Like the time that guy got his push blade stuck in the truck by overpacking it and the rest of us had to dig out the garbage by hand.

Media: Oh dear, Donald Trump has had to declare bankruptcy.

Me: What did I tell you about taking too big of chances and ending up making a mess other people have to clean up?

Media: No, it’s a good thing.

Me: Huh?

Media: That means Donald Trump has a chance to start over so he can show everyone how smart and hardworking he is.

Me: Why does he get a second chance? My friend who lost his arm in the power takeoff of a truck doesn’t get his arm back. My roofer friend who fell off a roof doesn’t get his mobility back. My friend who stuck his hand in a machine trying to save the company a few bucks doesn’t get his fingers back.

Media: That’s because they weren’t smart and hardworking and daring like Donald Trump is. He wasn’t afraid to take chances. Society needs to reward people like him.

Me: Whatever...

 

2004

Media: Are you watching Donald Trump’s new reality show where he has a bunch of workers battle it out to see who will get to be hired by him?

Me: No, why should I?

Media: It’s fun because he makes people grovel and lick his shoes and whoever grovels the least and licks his shoes less convincingly, he tells them they’re fired.

Me: That sound terrible. I’m glad I belong to a union so I don’t have to kiss anybody’s ass like that.

Media: Oh, that’s just the way things need to be if society is going to be productive and America is going to succeed.

Me: I’ve found I’ve always been most productive when I’m able to work with others as equals in order to get a job done. I don’t see how cruelty makes a business run any better.

Media: That’s because you are stupid and lazy. If you were ambitious and intelligent, you would be licking Donald Trump’s shoes in order to succeed, too.

Me: Whatever...

 February, 2016

Media: Look at this!

Me: What am I looking at?

Media: It’s Donald Trump’s empty podium! He’ll be standing here in a few minutes. Isn’t it newsworthy?

Me: Are you out of your minds? You’ve been telling me I’ve been stupid and lazy for decades now, but at least I do my job and I do it well. You show me an empty podium and think you’re doing your job well?

Media: Oh, we’re not here to inform you, we’re here to amuse you. And there is nothing quite as amusing as Donald Trump getting up on a stage and behaving like a buffoon, is there?

Me: I guess part of me is amused—the part of me that hates life. But I’ve been telling you for decades there is nothing of value to be found in this man. Why do you keep making him out to be Dudley Goddamn Do Right?

Media: Because he is entertaining. And when he entertains you, it means more money for us. And the magic of the market dictates that when we make money, EVERYBODY benefits.

Me: Whatever...

 

February 2017

Media: This is something stupid Donald Trump said, taken out of context so it makes him look even more stupid. Isn’t it horrible?

Me: What?

Media: Donald Trump is an evil Nazi traitor to the country.

Me: Isn’t this the man who you’ve been holding up as the role model for our entire country for decades now.

Media: We will not respond to that assertion. Donald Trump is the most evil person who has ever existed.

Me: Look, I’m no fan of Donald Trump. And I definitely don’t think he should be our president, but the people—influenced as they have been by the media for decades—have spoken, and-

Media: Putin has spoken, more like it.

Me: What?

Media: There is only one possible explanation why people voted for Trump—Russian interference.

Me: Oh, dear sweet Jesus. Why can’t you own up to your own guilt in getting him elect—

Media: Vladimir Putin, using memes, Pokemon Go, Porpoises with cameras, and Jill Stein, is working to undermine not only the integrity of our election but the reputation of the media.

Me: Whatever...

 

2028

Media: Did you see Donald Trump give a piece of candy to Michelle Obama and dance with Ellen Degeneres? Isn’t he wonderful?

Me: Whatever…

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Advice To Trump Supporters From One Who Also Lost His Presidential Bid

 

Some of you may recall that I ran a somewhat less than serious campaign to become President Of The United States. I did so on the basis that both candidates sucked and that I—or most anyone—would suck less than the candidates of the two major parties. Hence my campaign slogan, “I Suck Less”.

 While I truly believed it would have been hard to find a worse candidate than Trump or Biden, I WAS aware of a worse scenario than either one of them becoming president, and that was a contested election. A contested election would mean that the serious yet almost comical divide between two segments of society would grow far more serious and far less humorous.

 In elections, as in sports games, there are certain calls that can be argued about and may possibly shape and determine the outcome. But because we all enjoy the sport of football, we overlook the disputed calls because we know nothing is perfect and overall the games are being played out as they should. It would take a gross and obvious pattern of provable bad calls to call into question the outcome of any one game.

 Do I believe our elections are absolutely without flaw? Assuredly not. In fact, the entire system seems so stacked against the people having their say that I no longer place great importance in the act of voting. But to make assertions—assertions not solidly based in observable facts—that the Democrats rigged the election by adding extra votes is both irresponsible and counterproductive. It is irresponsible because it points out alleged cheating by Democrats while ignoring the well-documented fact that Republicans have been gaming elections for decades by purging voter rolls and gerrymandering districts so that the will of voters is not fairly expressed. If you don’t see hypocrisy in that, consider that Trump supporters were screaming to stop the counting in one state while screaming to allow the counting to continue in another. It is counterproductive because nothing good will come of it. America will not be made great again by undermining the very principles and institutions on which it was built in order to support one person, no matter how great you think he is.

 To Trump supporters, I say this: a Biden presidency is the greatest gift you could have been given. Joe Biden has been handed the mess created not only by four years of Trump but eight years of Obama. It is a foregone conclusion that his candidacy will not be pretty. The bill for the debt created under Reagan, Bush, Obama and especially Trump has been pushed to its furthest limits. Our economy is destined to crash regardless of who is in the Oval Office. Do you really want your guy taking the blame for it? Far better that he sit on the sidelines for the next four years and watch it all go wrong, so that he can come back for a second term in 2024. Sure, he won’t be a young man, but he won’t be appreciably older than Biden. Maybe he’ll have a better grip on his faculties than Biden currently does, and even if he doesn’t, we’ve already established that that is no longer a barrier to electability.

 The job of conservatives right now is not to support your candidate but to lead him in the direction he needs to go, which is out of the White House. This won’t be easy, because Donald Trump is not one to admit when he is wrong or that he lost. In fact, I can’t think of a single instance when he’s done so, can you? Nevertheless, you’re going to have to be the adults because our politicians never will. It’s just the times we’re living in.

You might admire Trump’s tenacity in never admitting defeat, but I guarantee you that even his most ardent supporters wouldn’t want to play a board game with him.

 So what you need to do is meet him at the White House and have a big procession with giant flags flying from your pickup trucks and lead him out of the presidency like it’s a parade in his honor. Because when Biden fails utterly at cleaning up the mess Trump had no small part in making, you give Donald Trump the opportunity to swoop back onto the scene and say “See, I told you so.”

 This is your best opportunity, MAGA. Seize it before Trump makes things uglier than they need to be. America is already great, your Trump signs say so. Surely it’s great enough to endure four years of a Democratic President moderated by a Republican Senate and a conservative Supreme Court. Just, for the love of God, don’t blame Russia for your loss.