Media: This is Donald Trump, isn’t he great?
Me: What makes him great?
Media: He’s rich! That makes him the embodiment of
all that is great about America.
Me: How does being rich make him great?
Media: Being rich means you are smart and
hard-working. The fact that you do not already know this and aren’t rich means
that you stupid. And lazy.
Me: I’ll tell you what: you get Donald Trump to
hold onto the back of a garbage truck and throw garbage all day
with me and we’ll see who’s the harder worker. Or we can dig ditches. I’ve got the
muscles and callouses to show I work hard. I can’t tell how flabby this Trump guy is under that
expensive suit.
Media: You’re just jealous because he’s smart and
hardworking and has immense wealth.
Me: I just want to know he’s thrown his share of
garbage in life and dug his share of ditches. Does he really owe his wealth to hard work and brains or
did he inherit it?
Media: Not only is he smart and hardworking, he’s
not afraid to take chances.
Me: That sounds rather reckless on his part. If
there’s anything I’ve been taught operating heavy machinery is that you need to
minimize risk. I know people who’ve broken legs and had body parts ripped off
taking chances on the job. And when you take reckless chances, you risk not
only your own wellbeing but the safety of others, as well. Play it safe and you never make
a mess so big others need to clean it up for you. Like the time that guy got
his push blade stuck in the truck by overpacking it and the rest of us had to
dig out the garbage by hand.
Media: Oh dear, Donald Trump has had to declare
bankruptcy.
Me: What did I tell you about taking too
big of chances and ending up making a mess other people have to clean up?
Media: No, it’s a good thing.
Me: Huh?
Media: That means Donald Trump has a chance to
start over so he can show everyone how smart and hardworking he is.
Me: Why does he get a second chance? My friend
who lost his arm in the power takeoff of a truck doesn’t get his arm back. My roofer
friend who fell off a roof doesn’t get his mobility back. My friend who stuck
his hand in a machine trying to save the company a few bucks doesn’t get his
fingers back.
Media: That’s because they weren’t smart and
hardworking and daring like Donald Trump is. He wasn’t afraid to take chances.
Society needs to reward people like him.
Me: Whatever...
2004
Media: Are you watching Donald Trump’s new
reality show where he has a bunch of workers battle it out to see who will get
to be hired by him?
Me: No, why should I?
Media: It’s fun because he makes people grovel
and lick his shoes and whoever grovels the least and licks his shoes less
convincingly, he tells them they’re fired.
Me: That sound terrible. I’m glad I belong to a
union so I don’t have to kiss anybody’s ass like that.
Media: Oh, that’s just the way things need to be
if society is going to be productive and America is going to succeed.
Me: I’ve found I’ve always been most productive
when I’m able to work with others as equals in order to get a job
done. I don’t see how cruelty makes a business run any better.
Media: That’s because you are stupid and lazy. If
you were ambitious and intelligent, you would be licking Donald Trump’s shoes
in order to succeed, too.
Me: Whatever...
Media: Look at this!
Me: What am I looking at?
Media: It’s Donald Trump’s empty podium! He’ll be
standing here in a few minutes. Isn’t it newsworthy?
Me: Are you out of your minds? You’ve been telling
me I’ve been stupid and lazy for decades now, but at least I do my job and I do
it well. You show me an empty podium and think you’re doing your job well?
Media: Oh, we’re not here to inform you, we’re
here to amuse you. And there is nothing quite as amusing as Donald Trump
getting up on a stage and behaving like a buffoon, is there?
Me: I guess part of me is amused—the part of me
that hates life. But I’ve been telling you for decades there is nothing of value
to be found in this man. Why do you keep making him out to be Dudley Goddamn Do Right?
Media: Because he is entertaining. And when he
entertains you, it means more money for us. And the magic of the market
dictates that when we make money, EVERYBODY benefits.
Me: Whatever...
February 2017
Media: This is something stupid Donald Trump
said, taken out of context so it makes him look even more stupid. Isn’t it
horrible?
Me: What?
Media: Donald Trump is an evil Nazi traitor to
the country.
Me: Isn’t this the man who you’ve been holding up
as the role model for our entire country for decades now.
Media: We will not respond to that assertion.
Donald Trump is the most evil person who has ever existed.
Me: Look, I’m no fan of Donald Trump. And I
definitely don’t think he should be our president, but the people—influenced as
they have been by the media for decades—have spoken, and-
Media: Putin has spoken, more like it.
Me: What?
Media: There is only one possible explanation why
people voted for Trump—Russian interference.
Me: Oh, dear sweet Jesus. Why can’t you own up to
your own guilt in getting him elect—
Media: Vladimir Putin, using memes, Pokemon Go, Porpoises
with cameras, and Jill Stein, is working to undermine not only the integrity of
our election but the reputation of the media.
Me: Whatever...
2028
Media: Did you see Donald Trump give a piece of
candy to Michelle Obama and dance with Ellen Degeneres? Isn’t he wonderful?
Me: Whatever…
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