How Democrats Can Appeal To The Left

I hear there’s a big blue wave coming, though I hesitate to expect too much after the way the big blue arrow fell limply from Clinton’s bow instead of hitting its intended target. I would suggest seeking higher ground, but anyone who considers himself a progressive already sits safely upon it.

I imagine the tsunami of hype will break meekly upon the shores of corporate influence; such has been my experience. I’ve watched enough waves crash on shore, one after the other, and watched the children get excited as they scan for what they believe will be the next really big one. But as I’ve aged I’ve come to realize it is a fool who tries to predict the next big wave while ignoring the tide.

I’d like to give some advice to the Democratic Party and their leadership, lest they lose the next election or ten, perhaps to even more absurd candidates such as Taz, M.T. Promises, or Snidely Whiplash. I know you’ve been working really hard to court those on your left, which, banning his stance on transgender use of bathrooms, would include Richard Nixon (come to think of it, I can’t say for sure what Nixon’s position on transgender bathroom use would have been). Nevertheless, I can see you don’t have a real good grasp on what really gets us excited (Bernie Sanders, single payer, peace), so here are a few pointers:

First off, the whole “Blue Wave” seems a little placid and calm. “Blue Tsunami” might be better, but maybe lose the blue all together and use warmer colors. Go for something a little more fiery and active, something like “Orange Crush” or “Red Scare”.

Tim Kaine is a real draw. Get him in front of the media as much as possible, as he’s John Lennon, Angela Davis, and Ralph Nader all rolled into one.

If you want to win our hearts, try using an affectionate nickname when speaking to us. If you come across us online, know that we find terms such as Russian bot and troll especially endearing.

We have a high regard for intelligence agencies, so please run as many former CIA agents as you can.

Why don’t you play up the Russian angle a little more? It sounds like something I’d like to hear more of, but there is so little mention of it.

Don’t admit any wrongdoing or personal failings, it just makes you look weak.

We progressives like to feel we are being protected, so maybe try throwing a few extra dollars into military spending.

Don’t mention climate change, it only depresses us.

Actively seek Bill Crystol’s and Madeline Albright’s endorsements. Their opinions are much respected within progressive circles.

Dig up Joe McCarthy’s corpse and fashion a mask from his skin that you wear whenever you are in front of a crowd or a camera. We need to know your commitment to neo-McCarthyism is legit and not simply a ploy.

Show us you learned as much from losing to Trump as you did from the WMDs fiasco.

Trod upon our faces with the iron heel of oligarchy.

Tell us there is no other option, that will surely rid us of our apathy and have us running to the polls.

Threaten to sue us if you lose.

Lastly, remind us that we need to get in line and support whatever warmongering corporatist deep-state candidate YOU choose for us. Tell us everything that matters to us doesn’t, and that opinions other than your own are dangerous conspiracy theories. Tell us children that we’ve had our fun and now it’s time to go along with mommy and daddy. Tell us all of this and more, just don’t pee on our leg and tell us it’s a blue wave.