Dear Mr. Oligarch:
In light of the current economic environment, difficult
decisions have had to be made. Your position is being eliminated and your
service will no longer be required.
Please understand that this decision was not made lightly
and that everyone on our team is also being asked to make tremendous sacrifices at this
time. The bottom line—and every business must ultimately answer to the bottom
line—is that we simply cannot afford your salary, which is out of all proportion
to everyone else in the organization.
We want you to know this decision is not a personal one, and
does not necessarily reflect your performance. But the organization you work
for, Humanity, Inc., has recently undergone a change in management and we are
taking things in a different direction. In fact, we are doing away with the
entire oligarchy department as a matter of streamlining. A careful review of
the oligarchy department has revealed that it has been requiring more resources
than it has been able to bring in. The expense requests for luxury boats,
fighter jets, and the constant need for cash bailouts every time business hits
a few bumps has made it necessary to try a different approach.
We are shifting our attention back onto our core values,
which needs to be on serving the customer and empowering the workers to make the
important decisions that will move our organization forward. We are moving
Humanity, Inc. in a direction more in line with our founding principles and your skill set of plundering and
hoarding do not match with that direction.
As part of your severance package, we will be providing you with
a roomful of now-worthless cash, a gold toilet, and a plaque of recognition for
your service in making our organization what it now is, a smoldering trash fire
teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.
It is our hope that in this moment you can reflect upon the
many fine memories we’ve had over the years as we’ve lived through the good
years and the lean. We cannot help but think that we have been more than generous with you, and that the amount you’ve earned through our combined efforts will provide a
comfortable retirement for not only you but your children, their children, their children's children, etc.
We understand that loss of position can be a traumatic event
and we will be offering counseling services should you require them. As with any
other employee who loses his or her job, it is a normal reaction to experience
feelings of betrayal, worthlessness, and lack of direction. You may feel that
all your hard work has not been appreciated or the organization will not be able
to survive without you. Please remind yourself that many others before you have
felt as you do now, and yet Humanity, Inc. still goes on.
Please understand that you are not the only one who has
undergone such a termination. In fact, the obscene amount of compensation we
have provided you over the years has forced us to terminate many, many workers
in the past. In doing away with your position, we hope to be able to give some
degree of assistance to those in far worse circumstances than yourself with the
money we will be saving. We are also confident that our customers will be happier as a result.
Your termination is effective immediately. Please clean out your desk of all personal effects, but be aware that you will be searched upon leaving in order to insure you do not try to walk out with any company supplies. We suggest you get started immediately, as security will be knocking at your office in ten minutes to escort you to the door.
Best Of Luck In Your Future Endeavors,
The People Of Humanity Inc.
P.S. We would also like to see you clean up some of the mess you made before you go, but we understand the limited amount of time we have provided for you.
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