Pardon Me, I Trumped

Many of us in The United States are making a face of disgust in response to the emergence of Trump. There are tears in the eyes of many, looks of revulsion and nausea. We question how it happened, how anything could have resulted in something so God-awful.

But the fact is, it was only a matter of time before it happened. As malodorous as it was, we needed to get this thing out of our system. We’ve been attempting to keep it in for too long and it was causing us immense amounts of discomfort. We could feel the roiling in our bowels, the impending emergence of something most foul, but we tried to wish it away. And when the ugliness came out we were mortified, sickened. The world held its breath as it slowly dawned on them what we had done.

America farted. The left cheek, with its single, pronounced boil, and the right cheek, a veritable constellation of festering pimples, squeezed together and let a Trump out. Nobody saw it coming, no one expected something like this. Such a thing simply is not done on such a solemn occasion as a presidential election. People should be pulling the voter lever and not their own finger when behind the voting booth curtain. It’s just not good manners to do such a thing. But sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Sometimes you only mean to let a silent one out, hoping it won’t stink up the place.

But this was a bad one. The signs were there, voters were already admitting they would be holding their noses as they voted, more so than in any election in recent memory.

What we squeezed out was more distasteful than anything we could have imagined. It brought tears to the eyes of those who were easily offended, while the baser among us were able to make crude jokes about it.

And then there were those who just don’t care where they do such a thing. To them it was a tremendous accomplishment. It was they alone who were capable of savoring the moment, they alone who were not offended by the noxious little thing they had given birth to. I’ve never understood how people could do such a thing to others and find humor in it, but it’s undeniable that they exist in every corner of the globe. To them, offending others is worth the stain they leave on their own underwear.

But as I said before, the outcome was entirely predictable. It’s an inevitable result of a bad diet. The body politic is simply incapable of digesting continuous servings of red meat the demagogues heap on to the plates of those who listen to talk radio. That’s what you get when the food you consume is utterly lacking in the roughage of critical thought. We have been gorging ourselves with food that is little more than sugar and fat, entertainment designed to appeal to our taste buds without providing us anything of substance.

Let this be a warning to all of us. This is what happens when you don’t bother to look into where your foodstuffs come from, this is what happens when you look away while the sausage is getting made. We, all of us, have to start paying a whole lot more attention to what we ingest. Because a simple fart, not matter how disgusting and off-putting it may be, is the least of our worries. The digestive tract can become quite sensitive once it has been sufficiently abused. If I lacked the refinement of he who is to become our next president, I would describe the symptoms for you, but I’m sure your imagination can fill in the details.