Growing up I never gave the idea of becoming a corrupt,
incompetent dictator much thought. I mean, it seems like a lot of work and you’re
always looking over your shoulder. But
lately, what with a coup in the offing in Venezuela, I’ve been giving a lot of
thought as to how I’d behave if all I wanted was to get more for myself and didn’t
worry about who it hurt.
The number one thing I would do if I were a selfish, incompetent,
and corrupt dictator and was sitting on the world’s largest oil supply would be
to privatize it. Especially if I was aware of my own failures as a leader to
take care of the people. This is a no-brainer. Privatize the oil and you will
be rewarded very handsomely for it. Take the oil out of the hands of the nation
and put it into the hands of the very rich and powerful and you have instantly
removed your potential adversaries. More than that, you have made some really
rich and powerful friends who owe you a solid.
If I decided to live the thug life, as Maduro is accused of
doing, I would make sure I cozied up not only to the rich and powerful in my
own nation but to those who are running the big show. If you want to be a
narco-trafficker, I wouldn’t suggest being an indie but instead work your way up
through the cartel. If you don’t curry favor with the Pablo Escobars and El
Chapos of this world, you ain’t going to be in it for long. In the world of
politics, we’re talking about John Bolton, Mike Pompeo, and Elliot Abrams at
this point in time. These are guys you don’t want to mess with. If you aren’t turning
a buck for the interests these guys represent, you are digging your own grave. Fortunately
for Maduro, he’s got the cheddar these mice squeak for. All he has to do is
open the spickets to the oil and the champagne will be flowing just as freely.
Give ‘em what they want, Maduro, and that sound you hear will be corks popping,
not drones bombing.
Seriously, Nicolas, you have to read a primer on how to be
an evil, corrupt, self-serving dictator. All you need is natural resources to
take from your own citizens and give to global corporations and you are sitting
in the catbird seat. And Venezuela is sitting on the motherlode. Just privatize
it, Nicky.
Play the game right and they will never call you a dictator
again. Give them what they want and you can take a butcher knife to an American
journalist and get away with it.
Grease the wheels of the powerful and you can stone
a woman for adultery in the afternoon and have tea with the President of the
United States in the evening. You’re not doing it right, Mr. Maduro.
Maybe you don’t get the whole idea of selfishness. Because
if you did, the U.S. would be letting you use your oil to buy powerful weapons
to ensure your hold on power. A few Raptors in your arsenal and you wouldn’t
have Bolsonaro worrying you any. Hell, the U.S. is dying to sell advanced
weaponry. There aren’t enough tin-pot dictators in the world to satisfy them.
Weapons are the U.S.’s number one export, the only thing they do well. And just
so you know, oil is their number one import. It’s a match made in Heaven. Don’t
tell me these babies wouldn’t look better in your airport hangars than over
your major cities.
Privatize it and they will come.
Privatize it and you won't have to work any harder or smarter than a Walmart greeter.
That’s the beauty of it. You give your nation’s resources to foreign
corporations and they will do all of the work for you. All you have to do is
cash the big checks they write to you for your re-election. Hell, you won’t
even have to worry about the hard work of running your country: they’ll do that
for you too! They’ll write the legislation, all you have to do is sign it. If
the people don’t like it, they’ll sell you more guns. Simple. If you think
running a government is hard in a capitalist system, just take a look at the
people they have running things in the United States. Do you really think you
could be a worse figurehead than George W. Bush or Donald Trump? I didn’t think
so.
In summary, Mr. Maduro, play the game as it’s set up, and
you should have no problems going forward. Play the game and you could
establish a dynasty, just like the Sauds and Bushes. If you have any doubts,
just look at what Saudi Arabia is involved with in Yemen.
But if you don’t do
as I suggest, and do it soon, I’m going to start doubting your commitment to
being a corrupt, self-seeking dictator.
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