A Recipe For Russiagate Cake

Are you like me, do you miss the taste of McCarthyite pie like grandma used to make? Well I’ve come across a recipe that will take you right back to the old days. It even has a modern twist that appeals to the liberal set. It’s called Russiagate Cake and it’s all the rage right now in Hollywood. Just listen to some of what they’re saying:

“It’s all I can think about.” Rob Reiner

Whenever I want to get the bitter taste of defeat out of my mouth, I simply consume a heaping serving of Russiagate. Yum!” -Bill Maher

“It’ll drive anyone who tastes it absolutely crazy.” -Kathy Griffin

Sounds delish, right? And what’s even better, it’s simple to make. So let’s get to it, shall we?

We’ll get to the frosting later, but right now let’s list the main ingredients:

1.       An out of touch liberal class unable to understand blue-collar frustration.

2.       A Military Industrial Complex that wants increased hostilities with foreign nations.

3.       A Corporate media infiltrated with intelligence agents.

4.       Secret ingredient (only available from anonymous agents within intelligence agencies.)

Before you start adding the ingredients together, make sure you sift them very carefully in order to remove any possible dissenting voices. This cake is not going to rise unless they have been removed. I cannot stress this step too much.

Now when you mix these four ingredients together, you’re going to notice the end result isn’t going to hold together real well. So you’re going to want to baste it in the crazed stares of Adam Schiff and Rachel Maddow for as long as you can stand it before creeping out. Then, in order to help it congeal into anything that looks like it won’t fall to pieces, immediately store it overnight in the deep freeze of Hillary Clinton’s stony soul.

In the meantime, get the oven ready. You’re going to want to turn the heat up as high as it will go if you have any hope of making this cake a reality. And then once you’ve got it pre-heated, simply pop it in and let it bake for two-and-a-half years.

After the two-and-a-half-years (don’t take it out early), it may appear to still be only half-baked. This is to be expected. It’s not the cake itself that is of importance. In fact, the beauty of this recipe is that even if you add in wrong ingredients, you will never have to own up to it. Once you cover it up with enough sugary frosting, everybody will be in such a state of diabetic coma they won’t be capable of reflecting on what they’ve just ingested.

And now to the main part of this cake: the frosting. Whip it into a lather. I can’t stress this part enough because this dish is all frosting and no cake. Whip it as you would a dead horse. Whip it until it is the same consistency of the froth on a rabid dog’s muzzle. Whip it until you have enough of it to cover the entirety of the cake so nobody can see what’s underneath.

And there you have it, a dessert that’s sure to satisfy even those who have been suffering from an upset stomach since the 2016 presidential election. One cake, served liberally, should be enough to satiate 65,844,954. Moreover, it keeps well, so that you can continue to serve it to your guests for as long as they continue coming back for more.

One last note: should the guests you were anticipating not show up and you find yourself hosting a group of FOX News Republicans, you merely have to add extra nuts and bananas and presto: you have a wonderful Benghazi Fruitcake they’ll be sure to enjoy.