The Perfect Candidate

A very good and trustworthy friend of mine, Christopher Steele, has sent to me the transcribed conversation of a meeting of the Democratic National Committee circa 2019. Names have been omitted in order to protect those present, but the conversation below (allegedly) occurred verbatim:

-All right people, we can't screw it up again this time. We need to find the perfect candidate and get the whole machinery of the party behind that candidate. We can't take any chances on losing to Trump a second time. People will start to wonder if we're really serious about winning. Thoughts?

-We’ll want a candidate who’s youthful to contrast with Trump’s old age.

-Yeah, someone who is pleasant to look at, to really contrast against Trump’s orange skin and cotton candy hair.

-Yeah, someone like Tulsi, right?

-Right. Someone LIKE Tulsi.

-A woman would be good.

-Oh yeah, we run a woman and we can instantly lock in the woman’s vote.

-How about a person of color?

-Ooh, that would be good too.

-Yeah. Either a woman OR a person of color.

-Now wait a moment. Listen to this idea I just thought of. What if, what if we were to run a woman…who was…a person of color?

-Oh my God that is a fantastic idea!!!

-All right let’s see who we might have who would fit that description.

-A woman of color who was youthful and attractive would be good, but it might also be good if we could find someone who was articulate. That would really show how silly Trump sounds whenever he talks if we could just get someone who was a good speaker.

-That would be good too. Add that to the list.

-Since we’re throwing around ideas right now, I think it would be good if we could go with someone without a lot of baggage.

-Well that kind of goes along with the youthful thing, but I like it. Baggage was a major problem in 2016.

-Yeah, if we have someone who’s been around for a while he’s bound to have a lot of baggage and a lot of skeletons in the closet the Trump people could dig up.

-Especially if it’s sexual assault.

-Oh God, no. We don’t want even a suspicion that our candidate would be involved in a sexual assault. We really want to show that we are the moral choice to go with here.

-How about the whole Iraq War thing. Should we exclude any candidate who backed that?

-Yeah, I think that’s a given. Trump DESTROYED Jeb Bush over just having a brother who got us into that fiasco. Just think of what he’d do to someone who was directly involved.

-Well, so far we’re looking for a candidate who’s an attractive younger woman of color who’s articulate, has no baggage—especially not sexual assault—and didn’t vote for the Iraq War. Does that sound right?

-That's our list for now.

-And a fine list it is, too. If we have a candidate that checks all those boxes, I don't see how we lose. Any last ideas?

-What about a candidate without noticeable cognitive issues?

-Well obviously we don’t want a candidate with noticeable cognitive issues! What a stupid thing to say, why did you even bring that up?

-I’m sorry, I haven’t contributed anything to the conversation yet and I just wanted to put my two cents in.

-Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. No obvious cognitive issues. For crying out loud, who would ever think to run a presidential candidate with obvious cognitive issues? All right, let’s get on with this, I have a meeting with a donor in an hour. Anything else?

-How about a veteran?

-Bloody brilliant! I like how you think. Just imagine President Bonespurs trying to act all tough with someone who’s served in the military.

-Just imagine Trump trying to debate with a youthful, attractive, veteran woman of color who has no baggage—

-Especially not sexual assault accusations.

-Especially not that.

-So a youthful attractive, female woman of color with no baggage—especially not sexual assault allegations—who’s articulate and served in the Iraq War but didn’t vote for it. Who can we get to represent our party in 2020 who's like that?

-Joe Biden?

-Sounds good.

-Sure.

-All right.

-Yep.

-Joe it is, then. Ladies and gentlemen, I can confidently say we have 2020 in the bag. Good work.

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