A Not-So Imaginary Conversation With The Media

I’m not up on the newest technology, but I heard about the new MSM Siri and thought I’d give it a try. Here’s how that played out.

Me: I’m so glad to hear Tulsi Gabbard has entered the presidential race. Could you tell me more about her?

MSMSiri: Here’s Amy Klobuchar.

Me: No, I said Tulsi Gabbard.

MSMSiri: Amy Klobuchar is also a woman who is running for president.

Me: I don’t care, I don’t even know who Amy Cloudbutcher is.

MSMSiri: Amy Klobuchar has crossover appeal.

Me: That’s the best you can do?

MSMSiri: Amy Klobuchar was good friends with John McCain.

Me: Ick. What makes you think I want to hear about her? Tell me about Tulsi.

MSMSiri: Amy Klobuchar is-

Me: All right, forget Tulsi Gabbard. If you’re not going to tell anybody who she is, I guess it won’t pay to get too excited about her. Just tell me more about what’s going on with Bernie Sanders.

MSMSiri: Here’s Kamala Harris.

Me: I said Bernie!

MSMSiri: Kamala Harris is a woman of color.

Me: I don’t care, I don’t like her.

MSMSiri: Are you racist?

Me: No, I just don’t like her. She puts the parents of truants in prison and laughs about it. She puts pot smokers in jail. But she never prosecuted bankers like Steve Mnuchin even though she had all the ammunition in the world to do so.

MSMSiri: So you don’t like women, then?

Me: No. Damn you, MSMSiri, I wanted a woman, but you wouldn’t let me have Tulsi. Just give me something on Bernie.

MSMSiri: Bernie really started something in 2016, didn’t he?

Me: I don’t know that he started something so much as he tapped into the real discontent of the average voter, in the same way Trump did.

MSMSiri: Yes, Bernie is a victim of his own success.

Me: What?

MSMSiri: Because he introduced people to progressive ideas, there are now lots of candidates who are more progressive than him.

Me: Oh, yeah? Name one. Besides Tulsi, which I’m already pretty certain you’re not going to mention.

MSMSiri: Kirstin Gillibrand is a progressive and also a woman.

Me: Is that the actress that played Spiderman’s girlfriend?

MSMSiri: Kirsten Gillibrand is a Senator from New York and appeals to people who voted for Bernie Sanders in 2016, who is now a victim of his own success because he inspired many progressive alternatives like Kirsten Gillibrand.

Me: I remember where I heard of her now! She’s the one who was calling Wall Street executives to see if they would support her candidacy before she declared.

MSMSiri: That sounds like a Russian talking point.

Me: Does it? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…HEY.

MSMSiri: If you like Bernie Sanders, MSMSiri thinks you may also like Beto O’Rourke.

Me: Oh it does, does it?

MSMSiri: Beto O’Rourke is the hot new up and comer in the Democratic Party that everyone’s talking about.

Me: Who besides you is actually talking about Beto O’Rourke?

MSMSiri: Since you don’t want a woman as your presidential candidate or a person of color, I thought Beto O’Rourke might be more appealing to you. He has a hip, now, kind of first name, don’t you think?

Me: I don’t care what gender or ethnicity a candidate is. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, I don’t judge a person by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

MSMSiri: I’m afraid I have no knowledge of this Martin Luther King Jr. person of whom you speak.

Me: Yeah, I’ve noticed you only mention him once a year for his birthday and then never really cover him in depth. Look, I give up. Is there any presidential candidate you’d care to mention that might appeal to my concerns about climate catastrophe and our perpetual state of war? Someone who is aware of the consolidation of wealth and power into increasingly fewer and fewer hands, of the corporatization of our morality and laws?

MSM: Joe Biden is close to making a decision about running for president in 2020.

Me: That’s it, I’m out. I can’t get any decent reporting from mainstream news. I’ll have to go to the internet for alternative sources.

(Logs into Facebook)

Facebook: Your account has been suspended for using Russian talking points that do not correspond with official media positions.