I submitted a list of questions to the Democratic National
Committee, and to my great surprise they were kind enough to respond. Below are
the questions I asked along with the answers I received.
Q: What nation do Democrats view as being the biggest threat
to U.S. Interests?
A: Russia
Q: What will be the main focus of the Democratic Party in
the 2020 elections?
A: Russia
Q: What are the perceived weak spots of President Trump you are
hoping to be able to exploit?
A: Russia
Q: What response do you have to critics who claim the
Democratic Party works not for the people but for corporations?
A: Russia
Q: Should the Democrats manage to win both houses of
Congress AND the presidency, what bold plan do they have in place for
combatting climate change?
A: We would immediately work to have Trump’s tax returns
released to the public. Also, we would call for new investigations into Trump’s
hampering of the Mueller investigation into Russian interference. Lastly, we
would change the name of Russian Dressing to Freedom Dressing.
Q: What is your ideal approach to providing health care?
A: It is our goal to make sure everyone has access to health
care insurance whether they can afford it or not. If you want to keep the
insurance you now have that will drop you like a hot potato the moment you get
sick, you can. Also, Russia.
Q: There are some who are worried that you might cheat
Bernie Sanders again. What do you have to say to these people?
A: Russia hacked the election.
Q: Are you at all worried that Saudi Arabia and Israel have
an undue influence on our political process?
A: Yes, we are very concerned that Russia might interfere
with our election.
Q: The last two Republican presidents won office not by
winning the popular vote—they lost it—but because of the Electoral College. Having
you considered doing away with the Electoral College since it is an outmoded tool
for electing presidents?
A: We need to keep the Electoral College. It is an essential
protection of our election process should a clearly incompetent candidate sweep
to office on uninformed populist sentiment, as well as a way of safeguarding
our democracy from foreign meddling.
Q: For two and a half years, Democrats have been insisting
Trump is a traitor who is being controlled by a foreign power, and yet the Democrats
have chosen not to impeach him. Why is that?
A: We are very concerned that Trump is being controlled by
Russia. Our initial response was to seek impeachment in order to hopefully
remove this traitor to our nation from office. But then we thought, “What if
this is just what Putin wants?” So we’ve decided to take a different approach,
something that neither Putin—nor anyone else—would see coming. We’ve decided to
run an unlikeable and untrustworthy centrist against Trump. Didn’t see it
coming, did you? We’re putting all our chips on this strategy.
Q: Do you have any last thoughts to leave to the American
people?
A: Yes. In 2016, Russia bombed Pearl Harbor by placing a
picture of Bernie Sanders in a speedo on social media. This election cycle, things could get even worse. If you can imagine it. Just remember that any report of a
Democratic candidate possessing any flaw was likely penned by the hand of
Vladimir Putin himself, and passed on to twisted, inhuman Bernie Trolls who
live in their parents basement because they are loser misogynists who don’t
like black people. We must be very, very, careful of propaganda. Russian Propaganda.
It is a tool to sew discord and get you to hate your fellow Americans. The only
way to avoid this is by pledging your unquestioning loyalty to the party and by
closing your mind to any dissenting opinions. Only in this way can we hope to preserve
our democracy.
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