When I was young, I told my parents I wanted a G.I. Joe for
Christmas. Clueless as they were to what it was I wanted, they ended up getting
me Big Jim instead. Then they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy and
thought that I was an ungrateful child.
It’s hard to tell an adult the
difference between G.I. Joe and Big Jim. I’m sure to them they both look the
same. But as a kid I knew one was the real deal and the other was a knockoff
trying to capitalize on the success of the other. I mean, perhaps if there
never was such a thing as G.I. Joe, then if Big Jim had come along it might
have caught my attention. But the fact is, there was a G.I. Joe, he had been on
the scene long before Big Jim, and was infinitely cooler. And lets face it,
when it came to taking on the bad guys, G.I. Joe was bigger and way more
badass.
I never asked for much as a kid,
but I would have been happier had my parents bought me a pair of skates, or
even a new hat, rather than buy me a Big Jim. As a rule, kids are able to spot
the real deal much easier than their parents. All the parents can see is the
marketing, and to them it all looks the same. Marketing works on kids, too, but
once you’ve had the opportunity to play with the toy, you know what’s real and
what’s not.
Bernie Sanders is G.I. Joe.
Elizabeth Warren is Big Jim. The marketing firm pushing her is the Democratic
Party and my parents are those people who are choosing her for me and then calling
me ungrateful for not being happy about it.
But this is worse than what my
parents did. Way worse. For starters, I am not a child and they are not
spending their hard-earned money on me. I am an adult, and they are telling me
what I’m supposed to be satisfied with. And yet they treat me like a child when
I reject the present they’re trying to force upon me. Let’s face it, Warren
supporters, you are not trying to do something for me, you are trying to get me
to do something for you.
Just to show you how much worse
this supposed present is, let me extend the metaphor. Suppose you told your
parents 13 months out from Christmas that you wanted a G.I. Joe doll, and
they didn’t ignorantly give you something you didn’t want, they told you over a
year in advance that you couldn’t have what you wanted and that they were going
to buy you a Big Jim instead.
There is no rationalization for
those who profess to love you to do something like that. The only explanation
for why people you care about would do such a thing is that the marketing firm
pushing Big Jim dolls is really, really good at what they do. And the only way
a marketing firm could be that good at selling a product is they are using
really deceptive and evil practices. Sadly, that’s what marketing firms do.
Elizabeth Warren is not Bernie
Sanders. She is a cheap knockoff. If she were every bit as good as Bernie, the
Big Jim gear would work with my G.I Joe gear, but it doesn’t. If she truly
wanted to appeal to Bernie supporters, she would have made sure to work closely
with both the G.I. Joe brand and those who have no desire to throw all their existing
G.I. Joe accessories into the garbage. Either you are with G.I. Joe, or you are
against him.
Elizabeth Warren had her chance to
show that she was with Bernie in 2016, and she didn’t take it. She chose to throw her
support behind another line of merchandise, which makes me suspect they’re both
owned by the same manufacture and are attempting to cross-promote.
Let me be clear: Big Jim was not
in the market to further the cause of G.I. Joe, and Elizabeth Warren is not in
the race to further the cause of Bernie Sanders. The people behind Big Jim were
trying to cut into G.I. Joe’s market, and Elizabeth Warren is doing the same
thing.
But let me strike a bargain with
the Big Jim promoters who are trying to sell me on a product I don’t want. I
know you Big Jim people would be happy with literally anything other than a
Barbie Doll. I too have absolutely no interest in a Barbie Doll. But unlike
you, if the choice comes down to Barbie or Jim, I’ve come to realize that I no
longer have any interest in playing with dolls at all. So if you’re cool with “anyone
but Barbie”, just chill for a while. Let the other kids who just aren’t into
the newest toy force-fed us by a media campaign figure out for ourselves what
it is we can live with. And then go along with what we decide, because we guarantee
you we are doing everything possible to avoid getting a Barbie Doll next
Christmas. Because while you might see pronounced differences between Big Jim
and Barbie, all many of us can see is the big Mattel logo stamped on their
asses.
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